April 8, 2008

“Mad Martha” Bingham

University of Maryland, Baltimore County

1000 Hilltop Circle

Baltimore, MD 21250

Capt. James C. “Eyepatch Jim” Nellington

Department of Pirate Services

University of Maryland, Baltimore County

1000 Hilltop Circle

Baltimore, MD 21250

Dear Capt. James C. “Eyepatch Jim” Nellington:

Ahoy.  I go by the name “Mad Martha” Bingham.  I am an aspiring pirate interested in learning more about the programmes and services your department offers.  I am aware you offer services in parrot adoption and peg-leg repair, but have questions about each.

With regards to your parrot adoption programme, I am curious as to whether the parrots come pre-taught with various catchphrases, or if the adopter is expected to teach the parrot him- or herself.  I ask because I do not possess a bingle.

I am also wondering about the cost assessment for peg-leg repair.  Specifically, I wish to learn if the university financially compensates for the repairs, or if students are expected to put forward the booty.  Coincidentally, I would like to know if hooks are included, or if there is a separate service for such accoutrements.

Finally, I hope your department can fill me in on whether the university offers any courses for aspiring pirates.  I am aware that University of Maryland, College Park offers courses in Seafaring and Navigation, Treasure Hunting, Pirate-oriented Linguistics, and Swash Buckling 101.  Please let me know if U.M.B.C. also offers such courses, as it would be a shame for me to have to transfer.  I fear that not all my credits will follow me if I would have to do so.

Arr!

“Mad Martha” Bingham

P.S.  I became aware last summer of an alleged plank-walking incident on campus, culminating in an upsurge of shark attacks.  Please smartly confirm or deny this.